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sandwich analogy
This is more or less explained by its title, but just in case you have any nagging doubts try to imagine a song as a sandwich comprising two main parts: the bread (or tune) and the filling (or words). The construction of any two sandwiches is very similar, but one might have a cheese filling in white bread, and the other a ham filling in brown bread. They’re both still sandwiches but are completely different - except for the butter.

Now I can see by the teams smirks they think I have forgotten something - what about the triangular plastic box that so many sandwiches come in these days? Well, these boxes are designed specifically so that when you try to get them out the sandwiches fall apart, and that is when the contents may get swapped over, or put differently the words of one song get mixed up with the tune of another.

shampoo analogy
A song is comprised of two main constituents, the words and the tune - a bit like a bottle of shampoo and conditioner in fact. The shampoo element can be envisaged as the words, cleaning the grease and grime from our hair (although obviously the words of the song don’t literally do that). This is supported by the conditioner leaving our locks shiny and manageable and eliminating unsightly split ends in the same way the tune supports the words, except the words do not suffer from split ends.

There is one question that still needs an answer - what about dandruff? Well even the best quality shampoo and conditioner wont always guarantee to get rid of an unsightly irritant that keeps coming back no matter how hard you try. At the piano - Colin Sell.

shoe analogy
This is a remarkably easy concept to grasp, as luckily a song is constructed in very much the same way as a shoe. The tune is represented by the leather upper, and this is connected to the sole, or words. However, after a while we may tire of the words (or wear the sole out) and take away the words to replace them with new ones (or re-sole the shoe.) While we are doing this we may also take the opportunity to have some keys cut, although why shoe repairers think they are all qualified locksmiths I can’t imagine. I could have been stuck outside in the cold for hours with that set of badly cut keys. Luckily my neighbour is a qualified engineer who owns a a heavy industrial machine lathe - so we used that to smash the door down.

Now I can sense you may be missing the point here because you’ve clearly failed to spot if we are all going to have our footwear constantly re-soled there’d be a huge increase in demand for experienced shoe repairers hammering away. Personally, I don’t know if I’d have the stomach for a noisy load of old cobblers. At the piano isColin Sell.

shelving meander
Even to the uninitiated amateur One Song to the Tune of Another will instantly be recognised as an obvious construct, and only complete idiots of the first order of total incompetence would fail to grasp the basics. So just let me run through it again for you.

The song is comprised of two elementary components, the tune and the words. You might imagine the tune to be akin to a shelf of the type commonly found on domestic walls. This is supported by the brackets, or in this case the words. Some shelf units might store household items such as toilet rolls and fire lighters. These are like songs we don’t hear very often. Others are like popular songs we like to enjoy frequently and might display souvenirs such as novelty tea spoons, or coronation mugs are another possibility (although I often wonder who that happy smiling woman is pictured on the 1953 Queen Elizabeth II edition.)

But I can sense the teams are getting bogged down in the details of shelf usage. That’s not important, for if the shelves are to be supported by brackets they need firm wall fixings in the form of good strong screws set in rawl plugs. And it’s not just shelves that need securing - kitchen units, vanity mirrors, and even the essential dado rails are all the same. But, I hear you thinking, where can one find a specialist who can be relied upon unfailing to screw things up for us? At the piano we have Colin Sell.

spacecraft analogy
The basic construction of a song mirrors almost exactly that of a spacecraft. The tune is just like the rocket motor - driving the capsule, or words, up through the stratosphere and out of the earth’s ecliptic orbit. And once free of gravitational pull the two can be separated just as the words can be removed from the song and set to a different tune. Or in the case of the capsule can dock with another space vehicle.

Personally I never see the point of space travel. Oh yes you can point to all the spin off benefits, such as non-stick digital watches and a biro that write upside down. But what is the point of that anyway? If you want to write upside down just turn the page round when you finish. Of course they have proved the moon has zero atmosphere, but Swindon has zero atmosphere, and we don’t all spend millions of dollars going there to see for ourselves.

But you think I have missed something. Yes, what about the blackhole - that strange area of space that is so densely compressed it absorbs everything that goes near it? How does that fit in - a body that is both dense and sucks? At the piano we have Colin Sell.

spelling analogy
Despite the deceptively cryptic title, this game can be mastered by anyone with a modicum of mental agility, and only the tiniest amount of musical skill. So listen very very carefully.

Imagine that songs are like words which as you probably know are composed of letters - these letters can be re-arranged to form different words and indeed the letters of the very word words can actually be re-arranged to make the word sword, the fighting implement used in fencing, although strictly speaking that’s a rapier. Which in itself may be re-arranged to form the words ear rip, the action of ripping an ear off.

Now with all that sorted, when would you want to rip an ear off? We have Colin Sell on the piano.

supermarket shopping analogy
Probably the easiest way to understand this is to think of the song as supermarket shopping - the tune is represented by the trolley holding together and transporting the goods, or words. If you had a shorter song then it might be just a hand held basket, in which case you may qualify for the speedier 9 items or fewer check-out. Not that that should make any difference - no one who works in a supermarket can add up anyway; present them with two dozen check-outs and they think they can be staffed by four people.

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