Each panellist gives a definition of an obscure word and is the job
of the Chairman to guess which is the true meaning.
Each team must improvise a
Calypso or a Blues on a subject chosen by the opposing team. Songs sung have
included The Mary Whitehouse Calypso, and The Bishop of Durham
If it wasn’t for these marvellously sensitive devices we might
otherwise occasionally oversleep past 4 in the morning. And cars aren’t
alone with their audible alarms. Perhaps the best advance recently is in the
field of burglar alarms which are now connected directly to the police, so the
Duty Sergeant can now ignore them from the comfort of the local station. There
is a new craze for actually collecting car alarms, and the teams are avid
collectors and bring along some of their most treasured alarms, many with
previous celebrity owners for the audience to enjoy.
Tim has been saying that he is thinking of upgrading his old Audi, which
he says is vital for getting to his various gigs and professional engagements
throughout the country. If you are interested, he says it is a bargain at just
5 years old and 3 miles on the clock. The teams are asked to come up with
phrases that might be suitable to use in either the car or the bedroom.
Only this spring the Chairman
was out in the early morning when he spotted a group of young lambs gambolling
together, and thought how marvellous they can afford the membership of
Crockfords. Samantha is a part-time croupier
there, she says There is nothing more satisfying than when happy guests shell
out cash to play Black Jack all evening and Poker all night. She has borrowed
some gambling equipment for the night for the teams to try out. The games are:
This round is based on very old children’s game, and luckily we
have four very old children to play it. Its called Scissor, Paper, Stone, and
one wonders if it can be turned into amusing radio? Well in a manner of
speaking - no. But why break the habit of a lifetime now? The rules are
quite simple, namely that cat breaks glass, glass spoils pudding, and pudding
drowns cat - all completely logical.
This round looks at the pitfalls involving catalogue shopping. There
is often the problem of gauging the correct size and colour from a photograph.
For example the size 42 brown jersey that Barry is wearing, that was meant to
be a 36 inch green rotary lawn mower. One team are the customers outlining
their complaint to the other team who are the suppliers.
Show business is packed with celebrity animals, the most famous duck was Orville
who worked in a double act with Keith Harris enjoying a long and successful
career until their acrimonious split in the 1990s. And while Keith went on to
star at the Savoy Theatre in a production of Run for Your Wife, Orville went on
to star at the Savoy Grill in a delicious orange sauce.
In this round one team
are animal smugglers who smuggle the animals in a conversation with one another,
and the other team are customs officers who must identify the smuggled animals
and can score points by making the noise of the animal in question.
This has nothing to do with answerphones that happen to celebrities
in their own right. The teams are asked to suggest some messages that
celebrities might leave on their telephone answering machines.
The Chairman has been recently reading the Unauthorised Biography of
Tim Brooke-Taylor. It relates how at a new school Tim picked his nose all
through assembly, let off stink bombs in class, and then climbed over the wall
into the girls school playground and pulled his shorts down. His Headmaster
recalls Tim as one of the worst Geography teachers they ever employed. The
Chairman reads out the first part of various celebrity autobiographies for the
teams to guess what the full title might be.
The increasing crime rate is often put down to our soft penal system. British
prisons these days are more like holiday camps, full of 1970s entertainers. In
this game the home of one team has been ransacked by a celebrity burglar and the
opposing team are detectives who will try and identify the burglar based on what
items have been stolen or vandalised.
in a box
The rules are self explanatory.
The teams are asked to suggest quotations that certain people, famous
and still with us or appearing in Blankety Blank, are most unlikely
ever to have said.
what’s my line
The teams have to guess who a
celebrity guest is. The guest first does a mime, after which the teams take it
in turns to ask questions to try and work out who the guest is.
team sings a song, and censors it as they sing by judicious use of their
buzzer. Teams are asked to bear in mind that excessive use of the buzzer may
drown out the piano accompaniment Colin
Sell. If that doesn’t work they could try banging their shoes on the
The teams are asked to suggest titles of books, films, plays, TV
programmes, etc. that would have proved sure-fire flops.
change a letter, ruin a band
Over the years, Newcastle United fans have created their own versions of many
well known songs to sing in the terraces. One immediately thinks of I Can See
Shearer Now the Rain Has Gone, the Why Aye of the Tiger, You Ain’t Seen Nothing
Pet, and of course It Was an Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Cheryl Cole Fernandez
-Versini. The Chairman asks the teams to provide examples of well known bands
likely to have been a lot less successful had there just been a single letter
changed in their name.
change a letter, ruin a book
A single mistake by printers can be very dangerous. Viking Penguin’s first
edition of Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses almost included the back page
review which said “We read it and we loved it, well done Salman, from your
neighbours at No 7 Lavender Gardens.” The Chairman asks the teams to suggest
book titles that could have been ruined by a single letter typo.
change a letter, ruin a film new!
A mere reference to the United States in a movie title is seen as a guarantee of
box office success. Sadly the same can’t be said of similar films featuring
British place names. This is probably why no one’s even heard of Mr. Smith
Goes to Warrington, Debbie Does Dawlish, or Things to Do in Dudley When You're
Dead. The teams are asked to change just 1 letter of a well known film title in
a manner likely to completely ruin it.
change a letter, ruin a musical
The Chairman asks the teams to suggest musicals that have been ruined by the
simple change of a single letter.
change a letter, ruin a sport
These days the world of sport is mired in corruption and no game more so than
professional football. Only recently a disgruntled employee from the Referees
Association decided to become a whistle blower. And no one noticed. The teams
are asked to suggest some well known sports that might be ruined by a single
The teams are asked to suggest
new titles for racy children’s programmes suitable for a well known
minority channel faced with privatisation. To help, they are asked to think of
childhood innocence tinged with sinister corruption - think Andi
One sector of the X-rated
market that Channel 5 seem to have overlooked is Children’s Programming,
and the teams are asked for suggestions of shows that might be scheduled during
a Channel 5 Children’s Hour.
The teams have specifically asked not to mention their charity work, because
they don’t do any. We have all heard of the large well known charities but in
this round the teams are asked to suggest the names of some obscure charities
that have been less successful fund raisers.
This game is in tribute to that fine Cockney songster duo - Flannigan and
Allen. Chas and Dave have over many years become as integral a part of our
culture as cockles and mussels, bangers and mash, rhubarb and custard, and
kaolin and morphine. The teams are asked to sing a well known song in the style
of Chas and Dave, accompanied as ever by Colin
Sell on the piano.
The show is lucky to be able to bring the radio version of the popular afternoon
TV quiz show The Chase. The panellists have joined forces to form a team of four
who will answer a series of questions and try to out-smart and out-run the
chaser, to win big money prizes. The teams have already done their cash builder
and they have scored a total of £8,000, and now everyone is in position to see if
they can outrun the chaser - On your marks, get set, go! It’s a one mile course
The teams are asked to come up with suggestions for chat-up lines
suitable for use by various groups of people. Groups that have had suggestions
made for include Ecclesiastical, Anglers, Hospital, Gardeners, and
This round is about classic chat up lines and the likely turn-down
responses they may elicit. One of Tim’s sure fire chat lines is
“Who’s your favourite Goodie?” Luckily he does a fine impression of Jade.
The teams are asked to suggest possible replies of rejections to various
classic chat-up lines.
The game has a fascinating history. It became first popular under
Hanoverian rule as Cheddar George, being the pet name given to George
III by Charlotte de Mecklenberg when she found she’d married a King who
was convinced he was a small portion of cheese. And so began a fine tradition
of British Royal dottiness - Queen Victoria was a succulent purple plum,
Louis of Battenberg a moist pink and yellow marzipan sponge cake, while our
last King Edward was a small lumpy brown Nazi sympathiser.
just one of many games inspired by English place names. There is also
Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements,
Sellafield where the object is to try to flog off a plot of
contaminated land, and of course not forgetting Broadstairs a game for
people who are too fat to use the lift. There is also Redditch which
is a competitive form of chicken-pox, Dimchurch which involves
founding a new religion for stupid people, and the much loved Nuneaton
where players compete to spot Sister Wendy coming out of a
also Biggleswade which involves crossing rivers as a fictional air
ace, Cardigan Bay where players knit woollen garments for brown
horses, and Burnham-on-Sea the hilarious game played in coastal
crematoria. Not to mention Leamington Spa the game played only by
fathers who have sons called Leamington, Winchelsea Harbour where the
object is to try to win Chelsea Harbour, and of course there is the old
favourite Littlehampton an intensely competitive game that requires a
very cold day and a small ruler.
Gorge is just one of many food-related place names with interesting
stories. There is Spaghetti Junction - so called because in the
Winter months, the council employs men to throw on a powder that makes the
whole place smell of dried cat sick, and the Greek city of Marathon,
which once lent its name to a popular chocolate bar, before the town reverted
to its original ancient Macedonian name of Snickersopolis. And one also thinks
of Steak Tartar which involves saying good-bye to a piece of Sirloin,
Cottage Pie a geometry game played on Hampstead Heath, and the old
favourite Bakewell Tart which is quite simply shouting instructions at
also not forget Felixstowe - an East Anglian game that involves
hiding cat food, Fishguard - a Welsh game where you have to pick
a soldier out of a river, and we mustn’t forget County
Down - the game inspired by a Chinese space launch.
also Helsinki, the Chinese game that involves shouting from a leaky
boat, Paris Texas, which involves going to a DIY store on Eurostar,
and a seasonal favourite is one called Santa Cruz, where the players
dress up as Father Christmas and take a walk on Clapham Common.
Gorge is also from the family of games that take their names from famous
landmarks. In Edinburgh they play Arthur’s Seat -
it’s like Musical Chairs except there’s no music and only one
chair, which belongs to Arthur. In Devon they enjoy Westwood Hoe, a
game that involves pointing garden tools at the setting sun. And in Leeds they
play Yorkshire Dales which involves pretending to host Supermarket
Sweep with their face coated in Cuprinol. There is alsoBrooklyn
Bridge, a card game for toddlers whose parents give their children stupid
also not forget Table Mountain where the winner is the player who
makes the highest pile of dining room furniture, Hoover Dam - a
game that involves stubbing your toe on a vacuum cleaner, and St. Bernard
Pass where players sit in a circle and take turns to unwrap a large dog.
And there is Victoria Falls, which involves white water rafting on a
also Alaska Highway which is a bit like Songs of Praise but with more
Eskimos, and we can never discount Amazon Basin where players have
their hair cut like Henry V by tall muscular women.
also number of related games taking their names from famous locations around
the world - many of them originating in the East. There is a game called
New Delhi, which involves opening a sandwich shop, another is called
Seychelles where the winner is the first to say the word shells , and
there is even a game from Thailand called Bangkok which is too painful
to describe in detail.
also Eiffel Tower which involves being poked in the eye with a
souvenier of Paris. Then we have River Jordan, a delightful past-time
based around dropping a waste of space off a bridge. And of course we most not
forget Gobi Desert, a revolting game which involves spitting into a
bowl of custard - hang on, that is Gobby Dessert.
games are taken from all manner of sources, and a recent trend towards using TV
programmes. These include A Place in the Sun which involves buying a
daily newspaper containing a fish, Waking the Dead which is an
interesting look at the audience at a Phil Collins concert, and then
there’s House Doctor which involves treating serious injuries
sustained while playing Bingo.
premise for this game and its variants is that each panellist says a single
word at a time but must not complete a sentence. There are a few variations in
the words they are allowed to say:
- All the
words must start with the same letter.
panellist must use a word given to them by the Chairman.
- Alphabetical Cheddar
players must construct a sentence using words in strict alphabetical order
until they reach Z. If anyone can’t think of a word within the time limit
he must go back to the letter A and start again without repeating any words
The following games have the
same origins as Cheddar Gorge:
man’s buffalo mozzarella
- pasteurise the
Gorge is also often confused with Pinochet Gorge, where the
object is to avoid starting a sentence.
Teams have to come up with children-friendly versions of some
literary set texts, taking care to include some of their favourite
One the most frequent we hear on this show is “Isn’t
there something else on?” Another frequent question these days is
“Daddy can you let me have 45 grand so I can go to college?”
I’m sure we are all shocked by the number of students who were away from
University recently rioting in London. They destroyed a branch of
McDonalds and Cash in the Attic’s viewing figures. The
chairman has a selection of difficult questions from a young listener for the
teams to answer.
Christmas is almost upon us, the presents are wrapped under the tree
awaiting the grand children, and the buckets of water are by the upstairs
window awaiting the carol singers. Actually, it is an interesting historical
fact that there is no evidence at all that Christmas Day should be in December.
Some historians believe it should be in the month of September, some support
October or November, while Tescos goes for all of them. The teams are asked to
provide answers to questions about Christmas.
Very much a British tradition the word pantomime derives the classical Greek
word for “bloody hell isn’t it over yet?” By the way, Barry Cryer is in panto again this year playing the back end of the cow. So he has to spend hours in make-up having his face made less realistic. One
aspect of the modern pantomime is that the cast is joined by a so called
celebrity, usually so barely remembered they have to have a special billing to
remind us who they are. But we do things differently here. We have a real
celebrity guest in Stephen Fry and a cast of 3 who can barely remember who they
are. Now a star of stage, movies, and literature, Stephen first came to notice
doing an advert for Whitbread Best Bitter but he has since advertised Vauxhall
and Honda cars, Heineken lager, After Eight mints, and Marks and Spencer - so a
firm favourite with overweight drunk drivers who want to take a cardigan back.
The teams improvise a version of the pantomime of Jack and the Beanstalk, they
have been provided with a box of sound effects to play in themselves.
general knowledge quiz with a Christmas theme, with the winner walking off with
a star prize:
- Guaranteed to keep a cook amused in the run-up to Christmas - an
Yuletide is a time when families get together with all their
relatives to exchange gifts. Humph always finds the children are always buying
him presents that he does not really want to use - an electric toothbrush,
an ill-fitting sweater, a cemetary plot, The Chairman brings along a
selection of listeners Christmas problems for the teams to provide
A long forgotten game that involves singing the words of a given song
but in reverse order. They call it Ciryl, because rather cleverly,
this is lyric spelt backwards. The idea to revive this old classic came whilst
the Chairman was walking through Finsbury Park, or as Ciryl players
know it - Krapy Rubsnif!
Inspired by the moon based antics of the Clangers. The Chairman has
some classic excerpts from the stage and screen for the teams to re-enact.
Actually Tim Brooke-Taylor might be at something
of an advantage with this game, as he has toured recently in a production of
Othello where everyone enjoyed his Casio. Who thought
Desdemona’s death scene could be livened up with a cheap electric organ?
One team member plays one of the roles as a human, while the other member plays
the other role as a Clanger.
The twentieth century certainly produced some wonderful movies. One
thinks of A Night to Remember, telling the tale of that fateful night
aboard the SS Titanic as the mighty steam ship hit a
oh hang on, I
musn’t ruin in by giving the end away. As sought after actors go, Tony
Hawks will be at something of an advantage in this round as it was surprising
to learn that Tony recently instructed his agent to turn down Casino Royale,
but his agent threw him the remote and told him to turn it down himself. The
panellists are asked to complete various film taglines.
It is well known that when it comes to language the Chairman is a sticker for
the correct spelling but he is also a scourge of lazy grammar and tired old
cliches. You certainly wont hear any overused phrases or hackneyed figures of
speech on this show while he is in charge, over his dead body. To this end this
round takes a look at the cliché in everyday usage. The teams are asked to suggest
some well know English clichés or idioms together with their real meaning.
Panellists have to suggest sayings associated with place names,
either in this country or abroad, together with their meanings.
Panellists are asked to give a
commentary on some event in history in a style selected by the
common clichés explained
Like an aphorism a cliché is often a way of handing advice from one generation
to another. The other week Tim was trying to explain to his 4 year old grandson
that it is perfectly normal to wet yourself. It didn’t work, the boy is still
teasing Tim about it. The Chairman asks the teams to suggest some well known
English clichés or idioms together with their real meaning.
In a recent customer survey we discovered that 78% of our listeners disliked
pointless statistics. The other 22% like statistics that look like two little
ducks laying eggs. Although we know him now as a script writer to the stars,
Barry Cryer’s first job was in an advertising agency where he cut his teeth
banging away at an old typewriter. Then someone told him you type with your
fingers. The chairman presents the teams with the strap lines of some genuine
advertisements and the teams task is to identify the product or organisation
It is a little known fact that most people employ ghost writers to complete
their auto-biographies. Here is an example from Arthur Scargill’s see if you
can spot the hand of the ghost writer - “Friday May 3rd 1976, the Grimethorpe
Pit management are still refusing to refurb the bucket chain excavator for the
fourth time of asking - wooOOOoooOOooo!” The teams are asked to complete the
first sentences from a selection of celebrity auto-biographies.
The chairman has brought along a selection of unfinished quotations
from some the world’s most unpleasant human beings such as Adolf Hitler,
Bernito Mussolini, and Richard Branson - hang on Branson doesn’t
deserve to be included with Hitler and Mussolini, they managed to get their
trains to run on time. The panellists are asked to complete the quotations.
This round is guaranteed good old fashioned fun. The teams are presented with some opening
couplets of cautionary rhymes in the style of Hilaire Belloc. The teams have to finish the rhymes off and points will be awarded for the speed with which they are
able to despatch the errant child in question.
Many people who are cat or dog lovers use pictures of their pets as their
facebook profile picture. Tim Brooke-Taylor has been repeatedly poked by a
Yorkshire Terrier, so he had to send his trousers to the cleaners. This week’s
featured pet is the cat, and there are dozens of expressions which include cat
references. For example, it may be true that there is more than one way to skin
a cat, but it never helped Graeme Garden’s career as a childrens entertainer. The
teams are asked to finish off some incomplete cat related sayings and proverbs.
complete children’s jokes
Children famously use comedy as a defence mechanism against bullies, which is why
Tim spent most of his schooldays on a coat hook suspended by his underpants. And
the chairman’s kids are always trying out jokes around the house with anyone
who’d listen. One he remembers went like this “Knock knock. Who’s there? HMRC.
Daddy says he’s out.”
In this round the teams here the first part of jokes
written by children and their job is to try to guess the punch line. The jokes are
from the web page kidswritejokes.
complete children’s rhymes
The Chairman has before him a selection of genuine but incomplete children’s
rhymes which he would like the teams to finish off for him.
christmas card greetings
There are several elements without which Christmas would never be complete. One
is the Christmas card and the chairman has the first parts of some genuine
Christmas card greetings which the teams are asked to complete.
In this game the teams attempt to provide punch lines to terrible
jokes, just like they do in all the others.
Incidentally I notice that Dulux are going to replace the dog in their ads with
a Golden Retriever, well a Sunrise Halcyon Yellow Retriever. We should be aware
that certain types of dogs suffer if they are inbred, by which we mean a Korean
sandwich. The chairman has some incomplete dog related sayings and proverbs
which he asks the teams to finish off.
George W. Bush is the elected leader of the world’s only super
power, controller of the world’s most influential economic
infrastructure, and supreme commander of the largest nuclear-weapons equipped
military force on the planet. You couldn’t make it up could you? But
then, according to a Gallup poll 3.7 million of the American electorate believe
they have been abducted and interrogated by Aliens. Presumably with the
question What were you thinking? The chairman brings along a selection of
incomplete quotations from speeches made by President Bush which the panelists
are asked to finish off.
complete family sayings
One saying is that you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family,
unless you are Angelina Jolie and buy them on eBay. The Chairman reads out the
first part of some genuine family sayings sent in by listeners, and the teams
job is to complete them.
There are greetings cards available for many diverse occasions such
as Mother’s Day, when sending your mother a cute picture of three kittens
in a Wellington boot on a bit of folded cardboard is deemed sufficient thanks
for her going through excruciating pain of childbirth.
round the teams will attempt to guess the endings to some lines taken from
genuine greetings cards.
Much of the British press is controlled by Rupert Murdoch’s News International Corporation who also own a large share of Sky TV. The Chairman recently worked for Sky TV so he knows My Rupert Murdoch is an honourable man who was shocked to have his integrity impugned by Leveson, and he knows how strongly the Chairman feels because he has listened to all of the Chairman’s voice mail messages. Some incomplete headlines are read out from various newspapers published exactly 10 years ago and the teams have to guess how they might have finished.
The Chairman presents the teams with the first part of his favourite
old jokes, and asks them to try to remember the punch lines.
complete kama sutra
Misunderstood by many the Kama Sutra is in fact an ancient Hindu text
considered by experts to be the standard work on human relationships. Written in
Sanskrit, Kama is the main spiritual goal of Hindu life, while Sutra literally
means a thread that holds things together and refers metaphorically to a
collection of aphorisms in a form a guide to virtuous and gracious living. And
it’s got drawings that show you unusual ways to get your leg over. The chairman
has a number of incomplete sections of the Kama Sutra and the teams are asked
what the missing words might be.
This round is played in tribute to Edward Lear, the writer famous for his
nonsense poems. Today we are concentrating on limericks. The standard form of a
limerick relies on a 5 line stanza with the defining foot of its meter being
the anapest in a modified iambic pentameter, and the fact that vicars rhymes
with knickers. The chairman reads out a classic Edward Lear limerick minus its
last line and the teams aim to come up with a better closing line than the
The Chairman presents a selection of opening lyrics to some popular songs which
are all incomplete and the team’s job is to correctly finish them off.
Under Scottish civil law married couples stand together as complete equals,
while under Muirfield golfing law the woman stands in the car park with a bag of
crisps. The Chairman supplies the teams with a selection of unfinished quotes
and sayings on the subject of marriage, and the team’s job is to finish them
There was a story here recently of an 11-year old who weighed 15 stone, but when
the news hit the American papers they started a campaign to raise money for the
poor starving children of Britain. We shouldn’t be doing jokes about obese
people of course, they already have more than enough on their plate. In this
round the teams are given the first part of genuine children’s rhymes from
around the world which they should try to complete.
The teams are no strangers to the world of books. After 7 years hard
graft Graeme Garden has just finished his first novel - then he always was
a slow reader. And an unauthorised biography of Barry Cryer is soon to be
published, titled Barry Cryer: His Life Was a Joke, it relates the
roller coaster of success, fame, and fortune enjoyed by the many people
he’s heard of.
round the Chairman brings along the first parts of some famous openings to a
range of books, novels, and autobiographies, that the teams are asked to
complete playground rhymes
Playground rhymes have been a feature of our schools for generations. A popular
one at Barry’s school was:
Barry and Gracie Fields sitting in a tree
To be fair, she always liked the older man. The Chairman has a selection of
genuine school and playground rhymes from the past 50 years, however each is
incomplete, and the team’s task is to finish them off.
This round is an interesting version of the Sunday evening Radio 4 show Poetry Please, or as most listeners will know it, Poetry-click. We will be examining how great works of poetry are inspired. For example what prompted Robert Burns to write this:
Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie,
O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Perhaps we’ll never know.
The Chairman gives the teams the first lines to some well known poems and asks them to suggest how the works might have been completed less successfully.
The popularity of the
well-turned phrase that’s wittily delivered never seems to diminish. Who
for example can forget the great Oscar Wilde’s memorable outburst
“I have nothing to declare but a bottle of vodka and 200
cigarettes.” In this round the teams hear a series of famous
personalities unfortunately stopped in mid-sentence which the they then have to
finish off. Points are deducted for correct answers.
The game of Complete
Quotes should not be confused with the game about builders
estimates - that’s Incomplete Quotes.
This round is all about the art of romance. There is a touching story
concerning the social reformer Florence Nightingale who lived in Chesterfield.
Her parents romantically named her Florence after the Italian city, as that was
where she had been conceived. This story was often told by her brother
Busshelter Nightingale. The explicit content of some romantic drama is being
toned down at the BBC so the teams are supplied with the first part of some well
known romantic lines of poetry, prose, or dialogue, for them to complete in the
least romantic manner possible.
It would have been a wasted opportunity to visit Lancashire and not get immersed
in the full extent of the richness of the depth and culture there, and
besides there is 90 seconds to fill. Before coming to Preston messages
were put on social network web sites seeking to meet locals who are exponents of
Lancashire’s oral heritage, and now we find we have been put on a register. The
chairman has been provided with a list of traditional Lancashire sayings which
are incomplete, and would like to test the teams local knowledge by asking them to
finish them off.
Greenock gave the world James Watt and his steam engine, Alloway gave the world
Robert Burns and his poetry, and Glasgow gave the world the secure online
money-transfer system PayPal-Pal. The chairman has a collection of unfinished
Scottish quotes from various sources for the teams to complete.
The chairman is quite an aficionado of TV commercials, and
particularly used to enjoy that one featuring those monkeys dressed in human
clothes, the ones who used to advertise Kwik-Fit. The chairman reads out
various incomplete advertising slogans, from past and present, and to test the
teams advertising knowledge they are asked to provide the missing
The Chairman reads out the first lines of well known songs for the
panellists to complete.
The rise of social media has prompted concerns about plot spoilers. Remarks or
information which give away important plot elements of a film or drama and
which, if not monitored, can ruin the experience for others. Actors are
particularly conscious about revealing spoilers to the shows they’re in, as the
Chairman learnt from an actor friend of his shortly before he took to the stage
as the murderous train driver in Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap. The Chairman
reads out some genuine but incomplete strap lines to a series of famous films
for the teams to complete them
The ground breaking reality show that featured its own famous pre-Spanish
holiday diet No Carbs before Marbs - this is based on the original Barry Cryer
diet No Stella before Marbella. The chairman reads to the teams the words of a
renowned local celebrity from which certain key passages have been removed, and
their job is to fill in the missing bits.
A family trip to the cinema is an enjoyable if expensive treat. The Chairman’s
advice is to bring your own food although it is best to sit away from the smoke
alarms when lighting your charcoal. In this round the Chairman reads out a
series of interrupted lines from classic movie trailers and the teams job is to
finish them off.
One of the earliest public Health & Safety warning signs that
intrigued the chairman was the railway sign that warned Alight Other
Side, until one night in 1945 when his train drew into Dresden station.
Just across the street there is a sign that says Watch Batteries Fitted
Here - what kind of spectator sport is that? The chairman presents
the teams with the first part of some of some of his favourite warning signs
for them to finish off.
In this round the teams have to
guess what might link various disparate persons, items, or facts. So for
example, if they were asked What might link Osama Bin Laden and Noel Edmonds?
then the obvious answer is that they both disappeared without trace.
With literally hundreds of TV channels being filled with all sorts of stuff
these days it is sometimes difficult to exactly know what it is that you are
watching. The Chairman dipped into a programme the other night that was about
killing chickens, scavenging from dustbins, and having noisy sex in the garden -
it turned out it was Fox News. The people whose job it is to come up with ideas
for radio and TV shows can be remarkably lazy, so the teams are asked to
announce examples of programmes where the content has been contrived to suit
what someone thought would make a clever title.
Based on the Generation Game. The teams will watch a
selection of items on a conveyor belt which they should attempt to remember
later. Thus will be created all the excitement of an airport baggage reclaim.
After the items have passed by the teams will have 60 seconds to recall as many
genre started with Ready Steady Cook originally hosted by Fern
Britten. Interestingly Fern only went into TV after she failed to qualify to
join the Post Office, so Royal Mail’s loss is the house bounds gain. One
team has laid on a 3 course dinner party at their house to which the other team
are invited. The guest team’s job is to repay this hospitality by finding
as much fault with the meal as possible.
panellists list things they can buy at various types of corner shop.
The teams are asked to suggest new titles for BBC TV programmes
resulting from swingeing budget cuts.
Based on the Channel 4 show of
the same name, but hard to match up to the feverish pace of the
variation on the ancient playground game of Paper, Scissors, Stone
where two players hold out a hand in one of three shapes; the premise being
that paper wraps stone, stone blunts scissors, and scissors cuts paper. This is
a grown up version of the game that follows the same principles as the original
game but is specially adapted for the wireless. Each team is furnished with
several sound effects including a cow, a lake, and a bomb. After the chairman
counts to three, each team plays in one of the effects and he announces the
winner. The rules are fairly self explanatory - obviously cow drinks lake,
lake extinguishes bomb, and bomb blows up cow.
According to our sister programme, Money Box, our motor insurance premiums are
going up because the company say “fraudulent claims cost them £800 million
a year”, which makes you think they should stop paying out on the fraudulent
claims. In fact our very own Tim Brooke-Taylor was recently a victim of identity
theft; the Police are looking for a penniless fraudster who has never heard of
himself. In the round, one team will be criminals while the other will be Police
officers whose job it is to discover precisely what it is their opponents are
critics forum and
Each team has to review a show and has to reverse their opinions each
time the other team press their buzzer.
The panellists are asked to come up with suggestions for new hybrid
Down the years proverbs have provided an essential life code, but
today many leave something to be desired. For example whilst it is still true
you can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear, there is certainly
nothing to stop you making a pork pie. And while we are on the subject,
it’s not the broth but the TV schedule that is spoilt by too many cooks.
Instead of the full proverb all the panellists get to go on are the first
letter of each word and they have to say what the actual saying is from the