I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
TBC - Editor
i’m a celebrity, let me in
This game is just like I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here but with the neat reversal of being about celebrities. I understand that these types of programme are what are known as in the business as Reality TV. Well, if being trapped in a tropical swamp with Antony Worral Thompson and Christine Hamilton is reality then I say pass the mind altering drugs. The leading player in the genre is of course Big Brother, the show that took its name from Orwell’s book 1984. Orwell went on to write the Road to Wigan Pier, but only achieved his greatest acclaim after teaming up in a double act with Keith Harris.
In our reality show, team A will be themselves and they will advertise for celebrities to share their flat. Team B will pretend to be celebrities while the other team interviews them to assess their suitability.
i’m sorry i haven’t a chance premium rate phone quiz
Glancing through the TV listings magazine the other day the chairman was pleased to notice a late night programme called ITV Play, anticipating a cultural experience with an hour or two of Pinter or Ayckbourn. You can imagine his surprise on tuning in to find a pair of chavs asking him to phone up to guess how many sides there are on a triangle.
And now the BBC are at it. Well as a long term supporter of public service broadcasting the chairman will tell them where they can stick their ill gained profits - straight in his top pocket - as soon as this week’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Chance Premium Rate Phone Quiz is finished.
The chairman has a selection of easy questions that he will ask members of the public to phone in and answer. Each call will cost no more than 10p unless you are using a land-line or a mobile, in which case call it a fiver. As this form of competition can become a problem for anyone prone to addiction, such as the gullible and greedy who stand to loose thousands each day, they have limited the number of calls that can be made by everyone else.
ill advised introductions
In this round the teams suggest opening lines, which if addressed to a certain well-known individual or organisation, would be guaranteed to end all future dialogue.
in my pants
This game combines the philosophical complexity of Schrödinger’s cat with the
intellectual rigour of Immanuel Kant’s concept of being. The teams task is to
suggest song titles, while the Chairman’s task is to simply say the phrase “in my pants” immediately after each title without raising a smile, shouldn’t be
too challenging. In the unlikely event that the teams are able to raise a titter from
the Chair Samantha will be awarding points.
in their own words
The chairman brings along a selection of magazine interviews with certain famous people which have short sections missing. The teams task is to use their skill and judgement to determine what the original words might have been.
As a matter of fact, Tim Brooke-Taylor has recently been featured in a lot of interviews following the publication of his latest book. Called A Brief History of Tim, it takes us from the creation of the Universe, through the development of an ever expanding and yet paradoxically infinite cosmos, right up to the present with Tim’s appearance in panto at Bournemouth this year.
Also known as A Day in the Life.
The teams suggest various literary openings which were rejected as unsuitable.
The round is all about food and involves the teams suggesting certain dishes. They are asked for suggestions of what certain meals or items of food might be like if one letter had gone missing.
This is an educational round looking at catchphrases and figures of speech, often
referred to as idioms. An idiom is a metaphorical figure of speech whose real
meaning is completely different from its literal meaning. This can confuse
foreign visitors creating huge difficulty making themselves understood. Another
good way is to pretend to be deaf. The chairman has selection of incomplete
catchphrases and figures of speech, and the teams challenge is to guess what the
original endings might have been.
incomplete newspaper headlines
The chairman has an ancient copy of the Times from when David Lloyd George was still the Prime Minister, fewer than 2% of households had a telephone, antibiotics had yet to be discovered, and Britain ruled the mightiest Empire the world had ever seen. Doesn’t that seem incredible now - a liberal Prime Minister. Also King George V was still on the throne after 11 years following his state visit to India. The chairman has brought along some incomplete newspaper cuttings from the very day he was born for the teams to finish off. The chairman was born on Monday May 23 1921, Ireland was given independence, and Mongolia declared war on China. The gestures were appreciated, but everyone else just sent a card, or perhaps a shawl.
incomplete nursery rhymes
There really aren’t enough shows that can involve parents and their kids anymore. Probably the greatest of all was Ask The Family hosted by the marvellous Robert Robinson with his famous catch phrase “Here’s a tricky question for father and eldest daughter only
” Hang on, that’s an Austrian High Court judge. The Chairman has some children’s playground rhymes which are incomplete and the teams task is to guess what the endings might be.
incomplete promotional slogans
This round looks at the world of advertising slogans that can make or break a product. I’m sure we all remember those Opal Fruits sweets that were “made to make your mouth water”, and very moreish they were. I read of someone who got addicted to them so badly a 20 packet a day habit eventually killed him - he drowned. The chairman has a selection of incomplete promotional slogans for the teams to finish off.
This round is based on an original idea by the Home Secretary. The teams are presented with the first part of sayings and statements by some supposedly clever people who got it wrong. The teams task is to try to complete them.
The players must answer questions with words beginning only with their initials. Traditionally of course we were all named according to the day on which we were born. So for example if you were born on St. Cuthbert’s Day you would be given his name, which has been a source of constant irritation to Cuthbert Garden, Graeme’s daughter. Although not as much as to her younger brother Pancake Tuesday Garden.
The Chairman gives the panellists a set of initials for the panellists to explain what they stand for. Points are deducted for correct answers.
Panellists are asked for new ideas for inclusion in the catalogue.
This round is a tribute to those that work tirelessly inventing things, such as
the South Yorkshire Police force. Inventions are often reflections of who they
were conceived by, so it is sometimes said that a telephone rings because it was
invented by Alexander Graham Bell, what a shame it wasn’t invented by Donald
Trump. In this round the teams have each come along with a mystery invention and
the object of the game is for the inventors to discover what their invention is
from the questions put to them by journalists at a press conference.
The teams are asked for suitable wordings for invitation cards of certain well known individuals and organisations.
it’s a 4-part singing relay knockout competition game sans frontier
The challenge is for the four players to sing a song taking one word each at a time. Players will be eliminated according to their level of incompetence until only the winner is left, and this shouldn’t take too long. Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Listeners may be impressed to learn that Colin has recently been doing arrangements for the Barber of Seville, it is reckoned to be one of the neatest displays of condoms ever.
italian radio times
The teams have to suggest what programmes might be listed in a special Italian edition of the Radio Times.