We were all guilty when it was feared
that the tanker drivers would go on strike. Barry stocked up with 200 gallons of
petrol in jerrycans in his shed, but in the event it turned out quite
unnecessary when Barry remembered he’s never owned a car. In this round one
team will be shopkeepers and the other team are customers out for a spot of
panic buying. The shopkeeper’s task is to figure out the event for which they
are panic buying.
Each team in turn suffers from a given affliction. This first team then has to guess their affliction based on hints from the second team. The audience are shown the affliction on the laser display board, whilst the listeners are told by the Mystery Voice.
pass the swanee whistle
A member of a team plays one song on a Swanee whistle. When the Chairman blows his horn the whistle is passed to the other team member who continues playing the song. When the horn is blown again, the whistle is passed back to the first team member who continues playing, and so on.
pick up song
Each panellist sings along to a record which is suddenly faded out. The panellist has to continue singing until the record is faded back up later. Occasionally the round is played with each team singing a duet. Points are awarded according to how close they are to the original record. And what do points mean? The following is a list of some of the featured prizes:
- This week’s prize comes with its own royal warrant - it’s this generous tin of
Prince Andrew Whitewash.
- The perfect adult entertainment site for vegetarians - it’s a year’s
subscription to CornHub.
- The perfect afternoon treat for the politically correct - it’s LBGT-for-two at
- This week’s prize is 2 tickets for one of the most un-exhilarating fun fair
rides ever conceived - a ghost train bus replacement service.
- This week’s prize is a DVD box set of Macaulay Culkin’s films in which Macaulay
Culkin is left behind in a posh candle shop - Joe Malone and Joe Malone 2.
- This week’s prize is a DVD box set featuring the world’s most annoying
detective - Magnum PPI.
- This week’s prize is the least appetizing main course ever served in a gastro pub - it’s these
Armitage Lamb Shanks.
- This week’s prize is the latest development in the world of pudding
de-humidifiers - it’s this crumble dryer.
- This week’s prize is a litre of the world’s most sour cordial - it’s this bottle
of Anne Robinson’s Barley Water.
- This week’s prize is an on demand video streaming service for the itchy school
child - it’s a months subscription to Nitflix.
- This week’s prize is the perfect confectionery for the veteran footballer - it’s
this John Terry’s Chocolate Orange.
- This week’s prize is the ultimate shopping experience for the unmarried woman -
it’s a trip to Marks & Spinsters.
- This week’s prize is the perfect take-away for the newsreader on the go - it’s
this Trevor McDonald’s Happy Meal.
- This week’s prize is a cycling trip hosted by a leading actress - it’s this
Frances de la Tour de France.
- This week’s prize is the perfect alcoholic takeaway for the busy Scottish spy novelist - it’s this
John le Carré-out.
- This week’s prize is the latest development in home gadgetry - it’s this handy
Lakeland Catalogue Shredder.
- This week’s prize is the world’s least appetizing main course - it’s this Toilet
Duck a l'Orange.
- This week’s prize is the latest development in intravenous snacking - it’s this
Chicken and Mushroom Pot Needle.
- This week’s prize is the worlds most elusive pudding - it’s the Lesser Spotted
- This week’s prize is the perfect Royal dog for the fully qualified plumber - it’s
this Corgi Registered Corgi.
- This week’s prize is sure to delight every keen cook who likes to strain different vegetables everyday in the lead up to Christmas - it’s this lovely Advent colander.
- This week’s prize will ideally suit every keen Yorkshire terrier owner who wants
to look at the latest in kennels for their pets - it’s an all expenses paid trip
to the Airedale Home Exhibition.
- This week’s prize will delight any keen birdwatcher who likes to keep the place
tidy - it’s a complete wardrobe set of Coot hangers.
- This week’s prize makes the ideal birthday present for those friends and
relatives you don’t like - it’s these John Lewis git vouchers.
- This week’s prize will ideally suit anyone who’s worried about having a shower
or cleaning their teeth will send them mad - it’s this lovely set of bathroom
- This week’s prize is sure to delight anyone who is a fan of funeral transport
competitions - it’s an all expenses paid trip to the Hearse of the Year Show.
- This week’s prize will suit anyone of advanced years who wants to get out and
about looking like an aristocrat - it’s this electric nobility scooter.
- This week’s prize will give peace of mind to any householder who is worried that
someone might break in and use their mouthwash - it’s this domestic gurgler
- This week’s prize is sure to delight everyone who enjoys cooking their eggs and
bacon without ever feeling restricted by clammy underwear - it’s this handsome set
of non stick frying pants.
- This week’s prize would delight any mobster who gets a little peckish cruisin’ da
hood - it’s this gangsters cornish pasty.
- This week’s prize is sure to delight any simplex virus blister sufferer who
enjoys a light summer lunch - it’s this crunchy cold sore salad.
- To delight any pest controller who enjoys a bowl of serial for breakfast - it’s a
years supply of Kellogs Lice Crispies.
- To delight anyone who enjoys a visit to ancient churches, examining commemerative plaques, and warmly greeting the Church Wardens they encounter along the way - it’s this fine English Heritage arse rubbing kit.
- Sure to delight every magic and sorcery fan who likes their witches shiny and spotless - it’s this Mr Muscle Coven Cleaner.
- This week’s prize is guaranteed to accessorize and delight any fashion conscious pet lover seeking that classic retro look - it’s this fabulous pair of tortoise shell tortoises.
- Sure to delight every chimney sweep who likes to take his work with him in designer style - it’s this matching set of Louis Vuitton sootcases.
- Some essential formal wear for your mother’s cross dressing brother - it’s this beautiful Uncle length ball gown.
- Just the thing to delight the budget conscious pastry chef who wants to be absolutely sure his cakes don’t stick to the tin - this helpful grease proof pauper.
- Something that would ideally suit the sweet toothed S & M enthusiast who is always in a hurry - it’s this Bird’s instant whip.
- Something that will provide every Dr Who enthusiast an ideal accompaniment to pasta meals - it’s this tasty Dalek bread.
- Just the thing to help Alpine chalet owners beat the effect of global warming - it’s this light weight Aluminium Icicle pump.
- Sure to delight every amphibian lover who worries about their pets getting lost - this lovely AA toad atlas.
- Sure to delight every dinner party host who likes to serve lawn clippings in style - it’s this lovely cut grass decanter.
- Sure to delight every handicraft enthusiast who enjoys making their own Chinese food - a lovely set of knitting noodles.
- A prize sure to delight every philatelist with a interest in issues commemorating amputations - a beautiful leather bound stump collection.
- Just the thing to stop pets from cluttering up your house - it’s this attractive mahogany cat stand.
- Sure to delight every DIY enthusiast who likes to keep their underwear coordinated - it’s a selection of Dulux Emulsion Pants.
- A prize certain to eradicate the creeping effect of marine mollusc damage to aging skin - it’s this Nivea Anti-winkle cream.
- To delight every wire haired terrier owner who likes to keep their pet smartly presented - it’s a lovely Corby Schnauser Press.
- Just the thing to delight the small rodent enthusiast who likes to keep his pets minty fresh - it’s this bottle of Listerene Mouse Wash.
- To ideally suit every proud homeowner who wants to keep their carpets pine fresh and viper free - it’s a years supply of Snake and Vac.
- To delight every keen horticulturalist who wants to make their garden look bigger - it’s this lovely magnifying grass.
- To ideally suit any homeowner who wants to get that authentic inner city Cardiff effect in their kitchen - a lovely Welsh dosser.
- A satisfying lunch snack that conveniently hangs itself from the ceiling - it’s this tasty Pipistrel bap.
- For every keen Chef who likes their deserts to throw themselves off the cooker - it’s a lovely Lemming Meringue pie.
- A refreshing fruit drink that will make the perfect addition to any packed lunch on school visits to Iraq - it’s this bottle of Sunni Delight.
- Something to be treasured by every member of al-Qaeda who is also a fan of the game show 3-2-1 - it’s this life size Dusty Bin Laden.
- Guaranteed to delight every keen ornithologist who wants to keep his birds feet snug and dry - it’s this lovely pair of Cuckoo clogs.
- Something that will ideally suit every keen pastry cook whose storage space is too low - it’s a bag of shelf raising flour.
- Just the thing to delight the domestic fowl enthusiast who likes his chickens to be woken with a touch of luxury - this lovely electric teas-maid with built-in alarm cluck.
- Just the thing to keep the kids amused at family funerals - it’s this lovely rocking hearse.
- Just the thing to delight a stylish man about town who enjoys designer label luxury at bath time - a fabulous pair of Gucci loofahs.
- An ideal gift for a favourite uncle who’s concerned about his wife’s security - an electronically coded Aunty theft device.
- A perfect labour saving kitchen device for every Arctic rodent enthusiast - an automatic Lemming squeezer.
- Sure to delight every Gazelle enthusiast who hates his pets going astray - it’s this stamped addressed Antelope.
- Something that would ideally suit young Sex Pistols fans who want a good night’s rest - a lovely pair of punk beds.
- Sure to delight any wildlife enthusiast and Elvis impersonator - a stylish pair of Blue Suede Shrews.
- The envy of every keen lepidopterist who worries about his pet’s personal hygiene - a bottle of Listerine moth wash.
- Just the thing on which to ride around Paris when doing the Victor Hugo tour - an economical 1.6 litre hunchback.
- An ideal snack for the al fresco pet lover - a Picnic Hamster.
- From the Duchess of York’s essential hair care range - a years supply of Wash and Go Skiing.
- The ideal snack for the Chiropodist on the move - tasty Microwave Bunion Rings.
- A tasty snack from the new Sarson’s Chiropody range - a jar of Pickled Bunions.
- For the keen race goer who has a sweet tooth, a bag of Granulated Shergar.
- For the lover of Chinese food who needs to know exactly when it is cooked - an Oven-ready Speaking Duck.
- For the Tibetan hill farmer who likes to keep the place neat and tidy - a lovely set of Goat Hangers.
- Just the thing for the homeowner who does not like to be kept awake by the furniture - a decaffeinated coffee table.
- To wipe out even the most uncomfortable of embarrassing personal ailments - this Preparation H-bomb.
- Guaranteed to delight every sweet toothed Muja Hadin fundamentalist - a Kalashnikov Trifle.
- From the Findus dermatology range - a Boil-in-a-bag.
- A prize which will warm the heart of any collector of National Coal Board memorabilia - a coal-effect coal mine.
- A prize so comfortable to sit on, it’ll make you feel like royalty - the Parker-Bowles recliner.
- An ideal addition to the larder of anyone wanting to brew up a cuppa using contaminated water - a packet of Typhoid tea bags.
- Sure to delight a sweet toothed baby Buddhist - a tin of reincarnation condensed milk.
- A prize to suit anyone who likes to make their eyelashes look their best on February 14th - St. Valentine’s Day Mascara.
- A prize to help the elder single man to liven up his al fresco evenings on the patio - an attractive pair of French widows.
- A prize to help to help control wayward kitchen appliances - an electric kettle prod.
- Just the thing to clear those annoying balls of fluff that so often accumulate in the belly button - this navel decongestant spray.
- Something to thrill the parrot lover who wants to raise cash for charity - a chance to do a sponsored parakeet jump.
- To provide a touch of luxury for anyone who enjoys the essence of poultry at bath time - a Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soap.
- To ideally suit the Elvis impersonator who likes to go for the traditional look - a pair of reproduction Mahogany sideburns.
This game is all about removal firms and house moves. One team assumes the role of removals men delivering furniture and other belongings which they shall describe. The other team will be nosy neighbours who will try to identify who the new home owner might be. The identity of the new home owner is revealed to the listeners by the Mystery Voice.
pin the tail on colin
This round is adapted from Pin the Tail on Donkey. This is very much like the party game in which children use drawing pins to stick a tail on a dumb animal, except this that version doesn’t involve children. Obviously needle sharp drawing pins can be painful if stuck through the skin, so the teams have been provided with protective gloves. Samantha hands round tails, pins, and blindfolds to use while Colin plays some music.
The is the classic Spanish game. For this round there is a festive Piñata in the shape
of a donkey, one for each team suspended over the stage. One team member is
blindfolded and whacks the Piñata with a stick until it bursts, revealing the
surprise gifts contained within, and their fellow team member may shout
encouragement and directions.
play your chords right
This is based the popular TV show called Play Your Cards Right, hosted by the ever green Bruce Forsyth. It was Brucie of course who became famous with his many catch-phrases, such as Nice to see you, to see you nice and What do you mean a wig? A wig what mean you do?
In Play Your Chords Right, Colin Sell will play the first note of a certain piece classical piece of music and the teams task will be to judge whether the next note will be higher or lower. The team guessing correctly will get to answer a question about Winchester College. This subject was chosen as the school was attended by Tim Brooke-Taylor. Another Winchester schoolboy who famously sported a Union Jack waistcoat was Sir Oswald Mosely. However Mosely was suspended for growing a small bristly moustache clearly copying his hero - that notorious fascist, the school Matron.
This round is all about celebrities shameless attempts to plug their latest books or series. You normally wouldn’t catch the teams trying to plug some exciting new project they were involved with, even if that ever happened. Well actually that is unfair, Barry Cryer did once plug a film that he was in, and it might have done pretty well if only talkies had not arrived. In this round the teams take it in turns to plug a film, radio show, book or TV show, the title of which is known only to their interviewers, and the pluggers job is to try and guess what it is they are promoting while remaining positive and enthusiastic throughout.
Browsing amongst the self help guides in the local bookshop recently I noticed a volume called Window Dressing for Dummies. This prompted the thought that there ought to be more guides to self improvement. I know that Graeme recently tried to publish his book called Teach Yourself Fire Eating but Health & Safety came down on him like a ton of bricks, and had to prosecute themselves. However Tim’s Guide to the Correct Use of Vaseline won this years prize for non-friction, and I am pleased to be able to report that Rob’s latest book on telekinesis has been flying off the shelves. However we thought it would be a good idea to bring the classics to the masses in a more accessible form. With this in mind the teams are going to present pocket versions of books, plays, films, TV
programmes, etc. in the shortest possible form.
police, microphone, action
Based on Police, Camera, Action, but with sound clips.
Political correctness has become something of a pejorative over recent years. We are particularly sensitive when talking to young children no longer using old fashioned blunt expressions. For example one couple recently had to explain to their children that Grandad had been unwell and was now differently alive, which is why they were taking him to the crematorium to be alternatively carbonised. One team will read a childrens story which must be corrected if the other team notices any blatantly non-PC expressions.
pre-war handy hints
This round harks back to the England of the genteel pre-war era. A time when country gentlemen drove in Lagondas to watch Cricket on the village green, maiden aunts sat in Lord Loom garden chairs embroidering Home Sweet Home on to linen doilies, while black-shirted fascists beat seven kinds of snot out anyone foreign looking. The teams grapple with pre-war handy hints which would have proved useful to the house-wife in the years up to 1939 - hints such as whether Poland is good place for an early Autumn break, or how to get powdered egg stains off a V1 Doodlebug.
Many films have sequels, but what about prequels? There must be dozens of potential prequels that we have never seen. The teams are asked for their suggestions of movie prequels that have disappeared from cinema history.
To encourage us to make purchases many retail chains are surreptitiously using smells - to make us feel hungry supermarkets routinely have the aroma of bread permeating the stores, while Dixons fill their stores with hopeless farts. (And just in case any of their staff do happen to be listening - oo, yes please, of course I’d like to spend £400 on an extended warranty. Can you not see the label on my head which reads “Complete moron”?)
The most popular marketing tool is the special offer, and the teams are asked to suggest certain special promotions or free offers they have recently noticed.
Coming up with a clever title is often key to a show's success. Take Radio 4’s Thinking Allowed for example. Until the Chairman saw it written down he didn't realise that Allowed was spelt as in allowed rather than aloud. So Thinking Allowed actually means thinking allowed. Proof, as if it were needed, of the brilliance of a punning radio title. The teams take the part of continuity announcers trailing radio or TV programmes which have been chosen purely on the basis of a catchy title.
The teams indulge in a spot of acting in this round. A special eye out has to be kept on Tim and Graeme as both are well known thespians. In fact Graeme is currently considering several interesting roles, the BBC having generously provided him with a packed lunch. In Proverbial Theatre each team takes turns to act out a well known proverb for the other side to guess.
The first half of a proverb is read out for the panellist to complete. Apart from the more famous ones, they occasionally play regional proverbs, such as American, Cornish, Scottish, etc.
proverbs in translation
The English language is overflowing with spare proverbs which could be of use in Europe, or even farther afield, but these will have to be translated precisely to avoid confusing our foreign neighbours. It would be like waving a red rag in a China shop if too many cooks skated close to the wind and made them bark up the wrong end of an old dog. The panellists are asked for suggestions of proverbs to suit foreign countries.
The deputy prime minister Nick Clegg apologised over tuition fees but the Lib
Dems are still looking for a replacement leader who would be more popular with
the public, Abu Hamza for example. Rupert Murdoch apologised over the phone
hacking scandal. He spoke personally to Tim Brooke-Taylor to apologise that his
journalists had hacked every message from Tim’s agent for the last 15 years. What
an intrusion of privacy to hear Tim’s agent had dialled the wrong number both
times. In this round each team will make a public apology but they don’t know
what it is they are apologising about, and the opposing team will be journalists
at the press conference so the team apologising has to work out what they have
done from the questions they are asked.
public information broadcasts
Back in the 50s these were often diguised as dramas and in fact the BBC was asked by the Ministry for Agriculture to launch the Archers in order to help Britain’s struggling farmers. Information has included tips on maximising crop yields, effective ways to avoid foot rot in sheep, and exactly how many Malibu and Cokes it takes to get your brother’s bride up the duff on her hen night. The chairman has a number of public information films from the 50s, 60s, and 60s, which have been interrupted and the teams are asked to complete them.
This round is about chat up lines and how to turn them down. Tim has a brilliant one liner that puts off advances from groupies. Whenever he is approached by the question “Aren’t you Tim Brooke-Taylor from the Goodies?” he swiftly quips “Yes I am.” The Chairman has a selection of popular chat up lines for the teams to suggest guaranteed put downs.