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I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
games compendium

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radio jigsaw
The teams try to put pieces into Humph’s 3,000 piece jigsaw of The Haywain.

Radio Jigsaw should not be confused with the panel game starring Ken Russell, David Mellor and Paula Yates - that’s Radio Eyesore.

radio trailers
Radio 4 is constantly striving to improve its services to listeners. For example during the recent election campaign World at One was allocated an extra half hour to provide extended coverage of their technical difficulties. So before the show the studio audience was asked What single change may best improve Radio 4? and the result is now available. 3% pressed A - a live audience version of Quote Unquote, 4% pressed button B - and got their money back, 2% thought the answer was C - delete as applicable, while the remaining 91% pressed button D - more trails.

The teams are asked to assume the role of Radio 4 continuity announcers and take it in turns to introduce new programmes whose makers have spent more time on the title than they have on the content.

radio product placement
The subtle inclusion of branded products is now well established in today’s films and TV dramas, but almost unheard of on the radio. To this end the teams are asked to perform a short scene from a radio drama into which they should attempt the subtle inclusion of some well known products from a certain sponsor.

radioke
Each team speaks along to bits of a radio programme, which is then faded out, the idea being to keep in time when the clip is faded back in again.

ready steady hell’s kitchen
This is a game of competitive cookery. Cookery shows are all the rage these days with hosts such as Ainsley Harriott, who I notice seems to have changed a bit since the days when he was in All Creatures Great and Small. In this round each team will be given a selection of cooking equipment and their task is to create a mouth watering dish within a given time limit.

realku
The chairman cannot help noticing the current popularity of a game called Sudoku, although he has tried. This is the game found in the national dailies where you have to fill in a grid with all the numbers from 1 to 9, except in the Guardian where you fill in the numbers from 1 to F. It seems that soon Sudoku will all but wipe out traditional games, such as the Telegraph’s cryptic crossword, in which you have to solve such brain-teasers as Erasmus enigmatically produces visceral calisthenic. (18 letters) to win a book token, or the Sun’s Furry animal that meows. (3 letters - first letter C, last letter T, middle letter A) which if a Sun reader gets it right wins them a speed boat.

Rather than Sudoku, the teams play the original version known as Realku. Each player is given a copy of the familiar square grid consisting of 7 squares, each divided into 11 smaller squares. Some of the squares already have numbers in them, because they didn’t finish the game they started last time.

rejected opening lines
The teams intellectual skills are visited upon the world of literature. In researching the history of English poetry and prose, the teams have discovered many opening passages of great works which were rejected as unsuitable for various reasons. The teams are asked for the rejected opening lines they have found.

resignation letters
In our modern fast moving world, companies often retain high fliers in their jobs with large contract bonuses. But when it does come to make a career change, it is important to use the right words. The teams are asked to suggest letters of resignation that might have been penned by famous people both past and present, or by ordinary folk to well known organisations.

restaurant waiters
What a skilled profession this is. Surely no other job requires the ability to spot two people coming into a restaurant at lunch time, sum up the situation in an instant, and say Table for two? However, restaurant table service can often be over-attentive. Each team will take turns to be diners in a restaurant engaged in conversation, while the opposing team act as waiters, and their task is to interrupt the diners conversation at the least appropriate moment until the Chairman blows his horn.

reverse once song to the tune of another
Normally in One Song to the Tune of Another you take the words of one song and sing them to the tune of a second song, but here the teams play Reverse One Song to the Tune of Another where they take the tune of one song and fit that to the words of a second song, making a completely fresh version of the game. In the spirit of the reverse game the teams suggested Colin Sell might play with his back to the piano so he has to make wild guesses at which notes he has to play. And he’s very sportingly being do that since 1986.

rewind
This round is all about movie plots. Tim Brooke-Taylor will be at an obvious advantage with this one having been a professional actor for nearly 50 years. But it was not always certain that time would try show business as he did seriously consider joining a monastery. He had a momentous decision to make, whether to commit to a life of celibacy with no worldly goods or income, or join a monastery. This round takes us back to the age of the VHS video cassette. The teams describe the plot-lines to certain well known movies as viewed on fast rewind.

robot celebrity interviews
The teams are going to pursue the roles of TV chat show hosts, like Davina MacColl, whose recent series I was saddened to see hang on, their should be a bit more than that - oh no, there isn’t. Because of the reluctance of genuine celebrities to appear on their respective chat shows, the teams have been forced to use robot celebrity guests. The vocabularies of these robot guests are limited to no more than 15 words or phrases. The teams task is to keep the interview going for as long possible without arousing the audience’s suspicions.

ruined songs
It is all too easy to ruin a song, just look at the entire career of Danny Minogue, Kylie’s tone deaf brother. The teams are asked to add a word to a song in order to make it a lot less appealing.

russian roulette
This round brings an element of mystery combined with danger. The Chairman has wanted to play this game for ages, so you can imagine his delight when clearing out the children’s old dressing up box, he discovered his old service revolver and several rounds of live ammunition. Samantha specially cleaned and oiled the trusty old fella and it is now ready to shoot. I have to stress that under no circumstances should this round be tried at home, neither for that matter should any of the others.

The revolver is passed to the first player. After spinning the cylinder this player, through the power of his mind alone, will attempt to divine whether or not the chamber is loaded. If he considers it’s not loaded he should prove this by placing the gun to his head and pulling the trigger. He should then pass the pistol to his right, if he still can, for the next player to repeat the process. Anyone whose paranormal senses tell them the gun is about to fire should point it away and shoot. I hope you have been listening carefully, I wouldn’t what this to go in one ear and out the other.

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