I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
The panellists sing some well known songs in Waltz time.
With insurance claims and safety measures in mind, the teams are asked to share any warning signs they may have spotted recently.
we wish you a merry cliffness
A festive version of One Song to the Tune of Another. The Chairman selects a collection of seasonal tunes, recorded by the great man himself, to be played by the traditional rules.
The Chairman reads out the opening lines of a series of proverbs translated from the mediaeval Welsh for the teams to complete.
welsh quote unquote
This is similar to the English version but with the vowels taken out. There is
a long history of the English maligning the Welsh in prose and verse. This
atrocious piece of writing dates from the 18th century
Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief;
Taffy came to my house,
and stole a piece of beef.
That really is indefensible, I have a good mind to rewrite it - whose got my pen?
Rob, have you got my pen? The teams are asked to complete some quotations from
what’s the connection?
The Chairman makes random selections from his bumper book of lists, and the teams have to guess what the people or items might have in common.
what’s the problem?
This round deals with life’s great questions. For example if you work at Holland
& Barret how do you call in sick? In this round the Chairman supplies the
answers to a number of everyday problems posed by readers, and the teams task is
to guess what the original question might have been.
what’s the question?
Based on Channel 4’s 15-to-1 quiz show. Here the Chairman provides the correct answer to a selection of fascinating general knowledge questions which the panellists have to guess.
What’s the Question? is occasionally confused with the amusing party game played by French Philosophers, What is A Question? French Philosophers are fun people very fond of party games. Favourites include I Spy Therefore I Am, Deconstruct the Parcel, and Pin the Tail on the Externalised Image of the Long-eared Quadruped.
what’s your game?
This game will be of interest to listeners with young children. Incidentally, the chairman was discussing the smacking debate with the teams earlier - he remembers nanny repeatedly pulling his trousers down to give him a good smack on the bottom, and it never did him any harm. Although it did make him late getting getting to the show that afternoon. In this game, one team plays a game of their own invention while the other team attempts to guess what it is called.
what happens next?
The chairman plays recordings of well known sporting events and the teams simple
have to tell him what happens next.
what is time mr. wolf?
The game is based on the old favourite What’s the Time Mr. Wolf , a simple and entertaining pleasure in which young children are threatened with being eaten by a large predatory canine wearing a wristwatch. This is a dumbed up version of the game in which the teams will ask questions on the very nature of Time itself. The Wolf in our game is none other than the eminent Professor of bioengineering Heinz Wolff.
the wheel of chance
On the board there are twenty different categories and the Chairman asks the contestants
to spin the big wheel. Where ever the big pointer lands they must answer a
question on that topic.
where am i?
In this round each team has to magically transport the Chairman to a mystery location by the use of mere sound affects alone.
where’s the gents?
The Chairman asks where are the gents?
who am i?
A post-it note is attached to each panellist’s forehead with the name of a certain famous person written on it. Each panellist can ask up to a maximum of 20 yes/no type questions to find out who they are. Next time they will try the other version with the names written on the outside.
who do you think they are?
Is this round the teams are asked to introduce less well known but no less
who wants to be in finisterre?
Based on ITV’s Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. Panellists are asked questions about the shipping forecast.
The chairman has especially commissioned a team of researchers to take the dustbins from outside of the home of certain celebrities or organisations. The object of the game is to identify the bin’s owner by careful examination of its contents. Actually, Tim Brooke-Taylor may be at something of an advantage here as he spent some time working for Reading council as a dustman researching his next role - as a dustman for Reading council.
the wilhelm scream
This round is based on the most famous scream in cinema history. It is named
after the character Private Wilhelm who gets shot by an arrow in a 1953 Western
called the Charge at Feather Rock, and has been featured in over 225 films and
TV episodes. The second most famous scream in cinema history is called the
Revels scream, it is named after anyone pays £9.50 for a bag of Revels at a
cinema. In this round it is the job of the teams to present the Chairman with
statements that are bound to met with the Wilhelm scream. If the Chairman agrees he
plays it in.
word for word
One team member starts by uttering a word drawn from a selection limited only by his imagination. His team mate should then say a word completely unconnected with the one before. The opposing team may challenge if they notice a connection.
This round is about disasters in the work place. A bad decision can ruin a
business, for example local knowledge is vital - that is why Richard Branson’s
wedding shop, Virgin Brides, didn’t work in Sheffield. This is an improvised round
in which one team are the bosses and the other team are members of staff in for an
appraisal following a series of unfortunate incidents at work for which they appear
to be responsible. As the bosses list these various cock ups and disasters the
staff members should attempt to justify themselves, and the round ends when
either staff member takes responsibility or when the bosses accept the staff's
There is nothing worse than badly written English to make Humphrey’s goat boil. The teams are asked for suggestions for book titles that fail to hit the mark.
worst things to hear
It’s all about those little phrases you might inadvertently overhear and immediately wish you hadn’t. One that instantly that springs to mind is And now an extended edition of You and Yours.
The teams are asked to suggest low budget remakes of popular books and films.